This has absolutely nothing to do with technology, systems, data, or project management. This is the day that convinced me that I could become a writer.
Last year around this very time I wrote what I thought was a pretty funny post in our fantasy football league. Mark St. Amant would be proud. My observations here won our league’s $25 post-of-the-year award.
My friend Thor (yes, that is his real name) had kept Tom Brady and Randy Moss in our fantasy football league. The year before, he had gone 10-4 and lost in the championship. Thor was really excited about his 2008 chances until Brady went down with a season-ending knee injury seven minutes into week one. The following post details Thor’s actual waiver-wire transactions along with my colorful commentary. Thor’s team is and was F’n Chuck Norris (FCN), an ode to the movie Dodgeball.
- 9/7/08 – 1:30 pm (give or take) – Tom Brady, chosen one, king of kings, supermodel sleeper wither, has really bad stuff happen to knee. The following is a reenactment of the events from that point with my thoughts on the matter. The players, dates, and times have not been exaggerated.
- 9/7/08 2:11 PM – Thor misses out on prized backup Matt Cassell. (Real laziness and poor management, if you ask me). He grabs much-heralded but Wonderlic-challenged Vince Young as a replacement to the greatest FF QB of all time.
- 9/7/08 2:16 PM (give or take) – Whoops. Thor realizes that Young, like Brady also has a damaged knee, not that it matters anyway, what with VY’s horrific sub-50% completion percentage.
- 9/7/08 10:07 PM – FCN releases VY, thus ending a whopping seven-minute reign with his new team. This may well be a record for an intentional pickup. Elias Sports Bureau continues to research issue. The panic is just beginning, as we shall see.
- 9/7/08 8:25 PM – Buoyed by a new sense of self-confidence (and at least one bottle of Merlot), Thor regroups, logs on, and promptly picks up 38-year-old Jeff Garcia—he of the deteriorating back and equally deteriorating relationship with QB-happy coach Gruden. Gruden subsequently benches Garcia as trade rumors mount.
- 9/7/08 10:07 PM – After nearly two whole hours on the FCN roster and mid-flight to his new Baltimore home, Garcia is waived. Upon landing, Garcia openly pines for the gold ole days with TO questioning his heterosexuality in SF. At the same time, an idea occurs to our boy Thor. Why not pick up a QB with no job? Sounds like a plan. In that vein, Chris Simms is welcomed into the FCN camp. When reached for comment, Simms is quoted as saying “Really?”
- 9/8/08 6:58 PM – After almost an entire day with the team, Simms is unceremoniously waived. Not hiding his frustration after contacting several Maryland-based real estate agents, Simms exclaims, “What the hell did I do wrong? I have barely opened the (expletive deleted) playbook. This guy is a freaking idiot.”
- Postscript: Simms actually does sign with team and has reasonable chance of contributing. Read: he would have been a poor fit for the FCN roster anyway.
- 9/8/08 8:13 PM – Convinced that he has to go with a QBBC solution, Jets’ castoff Chad Pennington is welcomed into the fray. This is despite the fact that he can throw the ball barely 15 yards (sorry, Brian, but you know this to be the case). Justifiably a bit weary in light of Thor’s recent rent-a-QB history, Pennington (team loyalist to a fault, as Brian will tell you) attempts to keep a positive attitude.
- 9/9/08 10:50 PM – Thor adds Kerry Collins to the mix as the “frick” to frick and frack. Reports suggest that Collins believed the phone call to be a ruse but, upon receiving a certified letter, reports to Baltimore for duty. Collins must wear “Dead Man Walking” on the back of his uniform as part of his contract with Thor. “Sounds worse than going to Iraq,” Collins says at the time.
- 9/10/08 6:10 PM –Thor holds a formal press conference, introducing both Collins and Pennington. After five minutes of raucous laughter by attending reporters at the misfits presented to them, the conference begins. Penny tries to toe the company line with quotes like “I’m just here to help the ball club….” Reports claim that Collins texts military officials about a possible military deployment in lieu of football.
- 9/10/08 6:18 PM – Eight minutes into the press conference, Penny is abruptly waived. Restrained by several large former D-lineman, Penny vows his revenge. “This just isn’t right. If Upshaw were alive, I’d have this guy’s ass. Freaking joke.” After almost two full days with the team, Penny’s longevity is honored with a gift: an inanimate carbon rod. Collins goes MIA or commits suicide. Police decline option of searching for him.
- 9/10/08 9:16 PM – League administrators contact Thor, pleading him to stop acquiring QBs, as members from other leagues cannot access their sites due to the frenetic activity. “We believed that there were more denial of service attacks, but now we know the culprit.” In related news, the US dollar drops further against the Euro on the basis of the increased currency fluctuations stemming from the waiver wire madness (WW) that has become FCN. Note: our league charges $3/WW transaction.
- 9/10/08 7:16 PM – Enter Jamarcus Russell. Preachers proclaim the beginning of the apocalypse.
- 9/10/08 7:45 PM – Rather than incur the wrath of the Almighty, Thor comes to his senses and waives the overweight, overhyped Oakland QB
- 9/11/08 7:51 PM – Fearing the death of his QB, FCN waives Collins.
- 9/11/08 – sometime at night – Thor acquires Eli Manning in a trade with Naynish’s team.